Monday, 1 November 2010

WWFW - Steal of the week (I practically would)

One learnt from the papers last week that around 12 million pounds worth of effects are shoplifted every day in the uk, amounting to a cost of 4,4 billion a year to retailers (a fair old sum considering that the national deficit currently stands at 7,4 billion).  It made me think about all the pretty things I couldn't have, but never stole.

So, 'Steal of the week' is not yet another metamophorical plunger, unblocking the barrage of bogus bargains.  It is a fictional parallel universe, one in which my less-honest-and-hence-better-dressed alter ego operates as a kloset klepto, smuggling mouthwatering contraband past unsuspecting visa security guards.  After all, am I breaking any moral codes by mentally stealing?  Is it against the law to imprint something you desire on your retina forever without paying for it?  No!  Window licking is an innocent hobby, an admirable occupation.  The coalition government would applaud my frugal approach to shopping, albeit that not spending money we don't have on stuff we don't need would grind the country to a halt.  Oh wait,  the contrary is already true.  Spooky!

But I digress.  Back in 2002, champion of lifters Winona Ryder was interrupted from making a heroic break for it, almost managing to squirrel around £3,400 worth of booty out of Saks.  I have thus set this fine figure as my maximum weekly swag allowance.  Though that sounds like a lot, a short Lanvin dress will set you back about this.  Oh the irony that even as a pretend thief, some things will forever be out of my light-fingered reach.

Winnie and I share common ground beyond the hazy horizon of anarchic thrill seeking.  We both enjoy good skin (mostly our own) and having our names tattooed on Johnny's body (though 'winona forever' now reads 'wino forever'). 

And the differences between our pathological pilfering?
a.  I am not in a position to procure anything I covet by any conventional means, whether paper, plastic or organ
b.  I only have a five finger discount in designer shops these days, not an actual one
c.  I haven't been caught for not stealing (though once net-a-porter et al realise that I've been using their images of the items I am only stealing with my mind's eye, that might change, but in my defence I will blame you, my penniless followers, for not clicking on any of the links I so painstakingly put in place to facilitate any potential purchases, in turn facilitating generating my own still life photography)

And now, ladies and gentlemen (all eight of you) without further ado, welcome to week 1 of my homage to all the things I will probably never own!  Decency experienced only a minor triumph over lust after a tussle over this outfit:

Cleo cotton shirt, £170, Sandro at
Heirloom boyfriend jeans, £285, PRPS at
Indigo cape style coat, £275,
It looks like these jeans were already wrenched from a tramp by PRPS, but all my best clothes have a bit of history and nitty-gritty attached so I am stealing them in turn.  Plus I love the decadence of paying £285 for something that even a builder would reject and then wearing it with highly polished, ladylike accoutrements.

Leather gloves with pendant, £160, Vivienne Westwood at
Satin platform pumps, £535, Nicholas Kirkwood at
Drop earrings w skull, £180, Alexander McQueen at
Edna mini shoulder bag, £595, Mulberry at
Clasp fastening skinny belt, £230, Chloe at
Dentist's cuff, £290, Bert Industries at
 I wander if the afore mentioned now semi-clad tramp also had to relinquish his remarkably complete teeth in the name of fashion.  Either way, no outfit is complete without a dose of humour!

Total prize : £2720, leaving £680 to cover any fantasy legal fees!

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Stealing is not big or clever.  Glossary does not advocate partaking in any such activity unless you are The Prince of Darkness or claiming for your second home

1 comment:

dustbunnybee said...

Saw those Kirkwood heels on pret too... Yum (sigh) x